The "TEST"

Soooo, this morning, due to huge, painful breasts, a period that hasn't showed itself in over two months (and some other stuff), I suspected that I was pregnant. Well, I was pretty convinced that it was an impossibillity, because we are very careful when it comes to sex... NEVER WITHOUT A CONDOM I SAY ;P...

Eight o'clock I took a test that prides itself in telling excacltly how far along you are. Though I had been up jusrt one hour and thirty minutes earlier to pee, I thought of my trip to the toilet at eight o'clock as a valid turn for "peing on the stick" ;P 

I do not know if this had any effect on the test-result, but after a wait that seemed like FOREVER I got the answer in the teenie tiny window; ""NOT PREGNANT".

Now the question is; am I happy about this, or did I get a little disappointed?

If I am one hundred % honest with my6self, I have to give in and reveal that I got sad. Really sad actually:(      I have been pregnant, with my fiance', two times the last fouranda half years. The first time we had practically just met, and were insecure if we were ready to be parents, and how smart it would be to bring a child into the world, into a life with parents who had pretty serious issues anyway. So I took an abortion. Oh dear God and all that is good, how I regret that decition!!!! If we had decided to carry the baby all the way, we would have had a son or  daughter that soon  would have celebrated his or her fourth birthday. 

I think a lot about this.

Sometimes I can only cry, for thinking about all the what if's, and maybe's, or if only's :(

Later on, a year or so later, we became pregnant again. Medically we knew from thr get go that this child inside my belly most likely wouldn't make to the third month. Eleven weeks into it I miscarried. 

So in a weird way, I am kind of waiting for my losses to be turned around, and that in a miraculous way, that I would get my baby, or babies, back! I started dreaming of a family, to gain what was lost, and so on... So what am I feeling about the negative test?? Am I releaved that there's no son or daughter on the way, or am I saddened that my love and I got cheated out of a chance to create, give life, give birth to, give all the love in the world to and just LIVE FOR  child? OUR child!!?

I got a BIT disapointed... I won't lie. I am twentyeight years old, I have an illness that demands me going on heavy medication, and if we were to have a child I would get ALL the help that I now must crawl and beg for, for the time being! 

Ain't it all fair?

My man, my incredably handsome and beautiful and in every way perfect fiance' tells me that we can make babies whenever I say I want to. If I can't go on any further without giving life to the child that excisted inside my belly, not once but twice, he says, bless is soul, that he will keep trying untill we get pregnant again... this is if I can't go on any oter way!!

I guess I do not NEED a pregnancy or a baby to feel joy, but God, you know me, you know my true heart, and I hope the Lord willdecide what is the best for mother, father and child (?) !!!!

I SOOOOO much want, and am excited to have, and see the baby, the child that we would produce ;) I mean him; half norwegian, half Korean (and drop dead handsome), then we have me who are one hundred % norwegian, The babies would be SO extremely exciting to finally see!  One fourth koreans and three fourths norwegians...!?? I am SURE OUR KIDS WOULD BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURES ON GODS GREEN EARTH!

As a matter of fact, three or four days after we met, as boyfriend and girlfriend (which hapened to be the third or fourth day we had ever known eachother to ;P ), HE (now my fiance') said one morning when we were under the covers, talking, laughing... Remember we had known eachother just a couple of days. In the dream it was summer-sun, we were in a green field in an opening in some woods or something. He was sitting under a tree in the shadow, writing (he is a writer), and in his dream I was running around in a long white beautiful summer-dress, chasing our son and daughter who also had an white angel-like apperance in their matching white summer clothing. He told me that he had dreamt about us that night.

Well, just guess how beautiful I thought he was after telling me this, and I didn't think I could admire him any more than I already did at that time. When we met he was like heaven and earth, he had the power to send me up to a pink cloud, on cloud number seven. And have I ever really landed? Hehe, well guess ;)  <3

Am I crazy to want a family, now that we are moving into a new,big house, in a little bit over a month we will have the perfect circumstanses...

Well, there are two people that has to make the decition, but when one of them (me) both REALLY want to have that dream he told me about in bed all those years ago, and still remembers and talks of, and also sees the reason in waiting several years.

Will I be a mother over 30 years that has fertility-issues and risks illnesses for the child I may not risk as of now?

ANY IDEAS?